Title : When You’re Not Beside Me – Sequel I’m Not Perfect
Pairing : Wonkyu
Disclaimer : all casts are belong to their self and God
Inspired : An Indonesian Song, Bila Kau Tak Disampingku by Sheila on 7
Warning : Un-betaed, full of typos, BL, AU, OOC, A bit Angst
Summary : I’m sorry for all my mistake. I don’t mean to hurt you. When you’re not beside me, I don’t know what I’ll do. I love you.
( 。・_・。)人(。・_・。 )
Is it wrong to love your lover the way you want it to be? Is it too much for making your love one experiencing new things and broaden their sphere? Is it my fault that I’m the one who cannot understand why my love one chooses to be away from me? Am I really done something that he couldn’t endure? Am I at fault for loving him too much?
I’m what most people called the perfect man. A gentleman. Though, as perfect as I am, I’m only a man who could feel love to someone else. And that someone turns out to be what most people called the imperfect man.
Although every person that I know would always said that I’m so stupid to fall in love with such a guy, I’ll never change my mind to make him mine. I know how Kyuhyun is when I saw him the first time. Those amazing smile, those lovely laugh, those adorable stare, all those were really penetrating me through my heart immediately. And I fall in love more when I get to know him well. He’s nice although a little bit straight forward, lovable at the same time quite shifty, but the most part is that Kyuhyun is always true to himself. That’s the reason why I court him whenever I have the time to do it.
Though in the process, he’s like the clueless person he is, never get that I was courting him until I confess straight to his face. I still remembered his reproving expression when I said I love him and asked him to be my boyfriend. At that time, I hope that earth would just shallow me or make me disappears because it certain that Kyuhyun was going to reject me. However, after he gets over his shock, he straight away said yes to my proposal of being my boyfriend, which makes me the happiest man on earth.
I would never said that my relationship with Kyuhyun is like a soap opera, where I’ll be the prince charming who save my princess from evil sorcerer or when I have to struggle with my lover to face my egoistic and mean family. No, never like that. Quite the contrary, everyone seems fine with Kyuhyun being my boyfriend. Although there are some people who still jealous with Kyuhyun because he could make me head over heel for him. Meanwhile, those who supports my relationship with Kyuhyun, they even made a fans club called Wonkyu is Real where sometimes creeping me out. They often are stalking us, taking photo of me and Kyuhyun, and that sort of things.
Anyway, there are nothing particular odd in our relationship. It’s just like other people who were in love. We care for each other the way lovers should be. Our fight and arguments never stay long. Either he or me that say sorry first, nevertheless we always sort it out before it gets bigger. However, I think our fight this time it’s going to take a very long time and more perception from the both of us.
I clearly need to contemplate about what’s going on between us, the reason why Kyuhyun ended our relationship after the party in Sungmin place. He called me to meet him in our usual restaurant to have breakfast together and talking about something. I still remember that intense conversation.
I walked in to the restaurant near our campus to meet up with Kyuhyun, even though I felt a little bit strange that he was inviting me like this. Kyuhyun rarely invite me in the morning because he really wasn’t a morning person. I look around to find him and I see him sitting at our usual place, in the back of the store near the window when we can see people walking around. I straight away go to him.
“Hi, baby.” I said, kissing him quick in the check. He only smiles although it looks like a bit forced. Something wrong, I can sense it. I sit down in front of him while a waiter came to me handing a menu. I skim around the menu and choose just a simple toast and a cup of latte. The waiter was gone to pick up my orders while I pay attention back to Kyuhyun who look kind of uneasy about something.
“So, what’s up? It’s rare of you to invite me like this Kyunnie.” I asked him with a smile on my face. I’m kind of happy he invites me like this, proofing that he changes a little bit. Maybe he will start to have a life outside his books, PSP and all. However, I still can’t shake this feeling of agitation I have felt since he called me this morning. I think something bothering Kyuhyun and when Kyuhyun look up at me with sad expression, I know my assumption were right.
“I want to say something to you Wonnie.” He said dejectedly. I reach for his hand and squeeze it, offering some support. But, he eludes it by taking his hand off from my grasps. Something really off with Kyuhyun because no matter how much he said that he dislike public display of affection, he would never evade my touch like this before.
“What’s so important that make you look this solemn? Is it about last night party? I already apologize to you for dragging you to that party involuntary but I think you should socialize more.” I asked with a little bit distress in my voice. I’m really baffle, why Kyuhyun act so strange.
“That’s not why I’m asking you to be here Wonnie. Well, part of it, but it’s not something I’m going to say to you.” Oh great, now he’s going to complain about how I force him to accompany me last night to the party. I’m just trying to make him see more people beside his friends and have some fun because he‘s always wasting his time in his study and taking care of his so called game club. Not that I mind to have a clever boyfriend or something, but I do want him to accustomed to my life as well. I really want him to be my side for the longest time that I have. Even forever if it possible.
“Then what?” I posed impatiently toward Kyuhyun. He seems doubting himself whether he’s telling me or not. I stare at him while he keeps his head down again, avoiding eyes contact with me.
“I..I think..” he stutter a bit. That make me impulsive to what about he’s going to say. Without me noticing myself, I raise my voice a little higher than I intent to do.
“Oh my God, Kyunnie. Just tell me already. You’re making me nervous.”
“I..I.. Hhh… I made a decision.” He seems jolt back because of my voice. Probably wondering why I could raise my voice to him like that because like he never denied my touch, I’m never shouting or screaming at him like I just did earlier. But really, today Kyuhyun is getting on my nerves. Nevertheless, I’m a bit guilty for making him scared like that, so I toned down my voice and tried to ask him again nicely.
“Hm? What decision? Oh thank you.” I ask Kyuhyun while thanking the waiter who brought my order to our table. When I set up my breakfast aside so I can have fully attention to Kyuhyun, I see him trying to collect his courage to talk again with settle voice and said the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.
“I.. I think we should take some time off with each other.”
“What?! What are you talking about?! Time off?!” I really have taken aback by Kyuhyun. Did he really say that?
“Time off. I think we should be on our own to…” I cut him off before him even continuing whatever he want to say. Clearly, Kyuhyun really say what I thought the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. What going on? I thought we’re fine. If this happen because of last night, I need to apologize once again because obviously Kyuhyun still angry at me although I thought that he was fine when I told him I was sorry. I also told him that I will ask him first before I take him out on a party.
“Should be on our own?! Why?! Is it because of last night? Are you still mad at me or something? I said I’m sorry didn’t I. I already apologize and promise that it will never happen again. What more do you want? Tell me this is just a joke.”
“Just tell me what wrong with you suddenly said something like that?” I asked feeling more and more insecure with myself. Did Kyuhyun meant with time off is that he’s breaking up with me? Is it possible to happen when we’re in love like now? I need to make sure because Kyuhyun appears to be more anxious but at the same time determined with his decision.
“Tell me straight up Kyuhyun, are you breaking up with me?” I asked carefully. I hope he shake his head and whole of this situation is just one of Kyuhyun moody habit. However, I feel like I’m suffocated because he looks at me and nod his head, indicating that he really is breaking up with me. I don’t believe this.
“You’re serious! Why?!” I groan out my frustration because frankly, I don’t know what my fault to begin with to make him taking this decision. I look intently at Kyuhyun, asking for an explanation.
“Siwon, please calm down.” However, instead of explaining, he tried to calm me down. But how can I calm down when my boyfriend told me that he wants to break up with me? I really couldn’t take this anymore. I grab his hand and make him look straight in the eyes.
“Calm down?! You asked me to calm down?! Kyuhyun, I will calm down if you told me that you’re just joking with me. That this whole breaking up thing is just one of your ways to punish me because of what I did to you last night.” I’m really upset because without me noticing, my grip in Kyuhyun hand become tight and it seems it’s hurting him.
“Siwon, let go of my hand. You’re hurting me. Let me talk first okay. So just please…calm down.” I look at him and his hand. I let him go and notice that his hand ankle is red because of my grip. I feel bad for losing myself like that to Kyuhyun. I tried to calm down myself by taking a deep breath and palming my face to lose some tension.
“Alright. Tell me. Tell me you reason to come up with this stupid decision of yours.”
“It’s not stupid Siwon. I’ll already think about it and I made up my mind.”
“Why?” I asked him firmly. After he tell me he’s been thinking this ordeal that’s make me realize something that this whole time Kyuhyun have been keeping something from me. And I want to know what or why. When that question pop out from my mouth, Kyuhyun sighed and tell me his reason behind it.
“I love you Siwon. I really do. And I think I’m never going to stop loving you, but..” He stops for a while, trying to compose himself and continuing with his explanation.
“But I think I couldn’t follow your life style anymore Siwon. You know me, I’m never going to be as perfect as you and your friends are. Like most of your buddy said, I’m the geek one, the awkward one, the one who always in the background.” I react to this. I want to counter that my friends were just joking, but a hand up to my face told me to stop my advance.
“Let me finish. I need to tell you this.” He said. I nodded and gave him the time to finish it.
“You said I need to socialize more, to build my relationship with others beside my geek friends, to stop me for handling my game club. And whether you perceive or not of that, I’m doing all of those things for you. I’ve tried my best to make you happy, to be someone who could make you proud. But, you’re asking more and more of me. I don’t know if you aware of this but you’re trying to make me into someone I’m not.” I see Kyuhyun a bit tremble when he said that to me. He looks like he keeps his tears from flowing. I’m myself is stagger with what I’ve heard. Did I really do that to Kyuhyun? Did I really making him fell that I tried to change him? While I’m pondering with my thoughts, Kyuhyun continue again. I let him speak because I really want to know if I really hurt him all this time.
“When, I first met you, I told you everything about myself. I show you who I am. And what’s make me happy it’s that you don’t mind about it. You said you love me even with my flaws. However, I’m not feeling that anymore. I don’t feel the love you used to show me regardless who I am. I don’t know you anymore.” Oh, Kyuhyun. Is it what you feel this whole time? I’m sorry. I love you. Don’t doubt that. However I can’t voice out my thought to him because I really feel guilty with all the things that I’ve done.
“Maybe it’s me who’s at fault in here. Maybe it’s me who didn’t try harder. So, I’m sorry Siwon. I’m sorry that I can’t make you happy anymore. I’m sorry that I’m too discomfited to be hanging out with you and your friends. I’m sorry I can’t be the perfect boyfriend you always wanted.” No, Kyuhyun. You are the perfect boyfriend to me. Oh God! What have I done? I really am screwed up. I see Kyuhyun couldn’t hold back his tears anymore.
“I’m sorry.. hiks.. hiks.. th.. that I lo..love you too hikss..hiks..much that I hh..have to hiks..hikss..leave so you w..wo..won’t feel emb..embarrassed hiks..hikss…when you with me.” With that he stand up, gather his things and walked a few step to the side of where I am sitting right now. He looks at once more when I still stare at his spot in front of me.
“That all I want to say Siwon. Please forgive me. I hope you find your happiness. Thank you for everything. Goodbye.” Kyuhyun said once last time before bowing his head a little toward me and leave the restaurant. I only could steal a glance at his back that disappears behind the restaurant door. Still absorbing that Kyuhyun is really gone from my life.
I still couldn’t believe that my relationship was over like this. And I have no one to be blame by myself. Few days after Kyuhyun broke up with me, I used to question is my action really severe to make Kyuhyun left me? Even though, when he said his reason, I know what the answer is. I hurt him. Badly. But, all I ever wanted was Kyuhyun being more active in making friends. Get to know wonderful people outside his community. Be more fun.
However, when I’m pondering myself the time I spend with Kyuhyun, I discern that all the parties, all the things I bought for him, all the things I said to him, all my attitudes and acts toward his way of life this few months back was my way, aware or not, to change Kyuhyun to become like me.
I didn’t cry when I left that restaurant that day. I didn’t cry after few days from the broke up. I act like myself, like nothing is wrong. But, when I saw Kyuhyun the first time after 2 months, laughing with his used to be called geek friends by me, I crumbled to pieces. I run to my car and enter it. Shut the door with a bang and hit my steering wheel to let out my anger, my frustration, and my sadness. I just sit there and cry, calling Kyuhyun name on the process. I realize that it is my entire fault that Kyuhyun choose to be away from me.
Those questions that I’m eager to find out, the answer are revealing by it selves. Is it wrong to love your lover the way you want it to be? No. Is it too much for making your love one experiencing new things and broaden their sphere? No. Is it my fault that I’m the one who cannot understand why my love one chooses to be away from me? Yes. Am I really done something that he couldn’t endure? Yes. Am I at fault for loving him too much? No. The moment I know the answer is the moment I decide to myself that I want my Kyuhyun back.
I don’t need someone classy, popular, and socialites like me and my friends. I need my geek boy, the one who always so serious when he’s playing his PSP, the one who looks so cute when he puffy his cheeks when he’s upset with me, the one with the dazzling smile I’ve ever seen. I don’t need perfection because my life would not be perfect if Kyuhyun is not by my side. I will get him back no matter what.
Kyuhyun is walking down the corridor of his campus, struggling with his books when Siwon block his way. He seems quite surprised with how Siwon suddenly appear in front of him so he drops all the books that he’s been holding. Kyuhyun steal a glance at Siwon, never minding about his books that scattered around the floor corridor, and think to himself that Siwon is still handsome like the last time Kyuhyun saw him.
Ah. It’s already been 2 months already. Kyuhyun thought back to the scene where he decides to break things off with Siwon. After that, he never contact or see Siwon. He tried to move on with his life although it quite impossible, regarding he’s still in love with Siwon. He only heard some rumors that Siwon was going out with several girls and guys. Kyuhyun feel his heart break when he heard these rumors. But, he already promises Siwon that he will be praying for Siwon happiness, so he will do that.
“Kyuhyun.” Kyuhyun wake up from his musing when he hears Siwon deep, sexy voice. He turned his head to face Siwon and that would be the biggest mistake Kyuhyun had done because Siwon is already close his distance towards Kyuhyun. Their face was only an inch apart from each other. Kyuhyun and Siwon stare at each other eye for a couple of minutes before Kyuhyun altered his face to the side.
“What do you want?” Kyuhyun ask nervously. He feels embarrassed somehow when he stares at Siwon close enough like that. Siwon only chuckled when he sees Kyuhyun face already red like a tomato.
He’s still as cute as ever. Siwon thought to himself. He carefully touches Kyuhyun shoulder and turned him to face Siwon once again. Kyuhyun could only stand still, letting Siwon do whatever he want because truthfully, Kyuhyun miss Siwon touch on him.
“Why are you so derisive to me Kyunnie? I just want to say hello.” Siwon teased Kyuhyun a little, because he doesn’t want to make Kyuhyun feel uncomfortable with his sudden presence. He knows, he’s going to court Kyuhyun again two times harder than the first time. And when Kyuhyun unknowingly smile at Siwon, it makes his heart very relieves. It means Kyuhyun doesn’t feel slight annoyed or anything with Siwon being near him.
“I’m sorry Siwon. I’m just surprise to see you here. This is not your building.” He said, finally noticing that his book were scattered around the floor corridor. He bends down to pick them all with the help of Siwon of course. While them gathering the books, Siwon attempting to make light conversation with Kyuhyun.
“Yeah, I know this is not my building. I’m just here to see you. Is that a crime?”
“No. Yes. I mean No. Eh?! You want to see me?” Kyuhyun look surprised that Siwon still want to see him. He thought that Siwon would never want to associate with him anymore after the break up. Yet, here Siwon, said that he want to see Kyuhyun although his building is the opposite of Kyuhyun building. Siwon smile at Kyuhyun while lifting all Kyuhyun books after finish gathering them. Never let Kyuhyun brought them again.
“Yes. Why would I be here if I’m not to see you?” Siwon said while start walking through the corridor to Kyuhyun next class. He still remembers perfectly about Kyuhyun schedule.
“But Siwon, you’re going to be late if you’re here. Your building is quite far from here.” Argue Kyuhyun while trying to catch up with Siwon who’s already in front of him. Hearing Kyuhyun said that, Siwon abruptly stop walking and turned his body around to face Kyuhyun. He mesmerized at Kyuhyun for still memorize his schedule. He is having a class in the next five minutes, but he skips it to see Kyuhyun and undergoing his plan right away.
“You still remember my schedule, Kyunnie?” Kyuhyun was taken aback by Siwon question. He doesn’t intend to say that, but old habit of reminding Siwon to attend his class never died.
“Ne..never m..mind about that. Just give me my books and go to your class.” Kyuhyun said, trying to get his books from Siwon hands. But, Siwon reaction is much faster than Kyuhyun and easily evade Kyuhyun advance of taking his books. Kyuhyun looks annoyed with Siwon childish attitude. He tries again and again, but Siwon keeps evading him and it makes Kyuhyun quite tired doing this with Siwon.
“Wonnie!! Give me back my books!!” shout Kyuhyun, never attentive that he calls Siwon with his nicknames. Both of them stun when Kyuhyun shout that name to Siwon. Both of them are quite, never know what to say and act. The situation is so uncomfortable since they never meet each other for approximately 2 months. To break the ice, Siwon settle on his plan. He holds Kyuhyun books with one hand and the other pick a ticket and handed it to Kyuhyun.
“Well… Since you so cogent to make me back to my class, although I’m already very late, I will attend it.” Kyuhyun look quite content, but before Kyuhyun could say anything back to Siwon, Siwon beat to him and start talking.
“Ah..ah.. I’m not finish. I will attend all of my classes if you’re willing to go out with me to this show.” Kyuhyun look at Siwon with incredulity in his eyes.
Is he on drugs or something? Why he asked me out? Kyuhyun thought while still staring at Siwon, asking for explanation. Siwon just sighed and tries to hand the ticket once more.
“Just take it, Kyunnie. I think you will like this show.” Kyuhyun then slowly take the ticket and observe what the show is. His eyes are wide apart when he sees clearly about the show.
“Wow. This is the famous musical show that I’ve been searching for. I like the actors in here. The show is so famous that they will be only held their show for only just a few days. And tonight is the last day. I’ve been dying to get a ticket but it seems to be sold out. I want to see this badly.”
“Then you should go. With me.”
“Go and see this show, Kyunnie or you will regret it.”
“B..but..I..I.. Didn’t we..”
“As usual Kyunnie, I don’t take no as your answer.”
“But, your girlfriend or boyfriend would disagree if you..”
“Whoa..whoa.. Stop right there. Girlfriend? Boyfriend? What do you mean?”
“I heard that you’ve been going out with several girls and boys. Surely, one of them is your lover right?! I don’t want to make them angry.” This time Siwon is full blown out laughing. Kyuhyun appears to be left in the dark by Siwon act. He is just stating the fact. Siwon subdued his laughter and look toward Kyuhyun again.
“I don’t have any girlfriends or boyfriends, Kyunnie. They are just friends. Never a lover.”
“Really. Now, forget about that absurd rumor. What time should I pick you up? 6? 7? I was planning to pick you up at 5 actually, because I want to take you out for a nice drink or even dinner first before we go see the show.”
“But, Siwon.. I..”
“Please Kyuhyun. It’s only a date between friends. I just want to go out with you. Have fun.” Kyuhyun still doubts his answer toward Siwon request. Then he looks up to Siwon and found some hopefulness in his eyes. Kyuhyun sighed and nodded, making Siwon smile wide apart.
“But you have to promise me to attend your classes and this is only a friends date.”
“I promise. Thank you, Kyunnie. Now let me accompany you to your class.”
“You just promise me to attend your classes and now you want to skip?!”
“I accompany you first and then I go to my class. I’m late already; it’s no big deal to be late a couple more minutes. Beside, you could make your body shorter when you always bring these heavy books with you.”
“Yah!!” Siwon laugh out loud because Kyuhyun is pouting from his teasing. He stares at Kyuhyun when Kyuhyun doesn’t notice. In Siwon heart, he feels pleased because Kyuhyun didn’t reject his courting, even though he’s not aware of it. At least for Siwon this is the first step to gain Kyuhyun trust once more.
He feels stupid to never realize that Kyuhyun is already perfect without anything to add with. His lovely smile, his kind heart, and his never ending love for Siwon is enough for Kyuhyun to be the perfect boyfriend. He finally understands this. He finally understands why he chooses Kyuhyun in the first place.
Kyuhyun often be labeled as the imperfect and Siwon is the opposite of that. However, Siwon would think otherwise because he knew that nobody’s perfect. They would be, if they find their other half and cherish them. And Siwon learn the hard way to figure it out.
He can’t turn back the time to fix his mistake, but he can mend it and aim to be better in handling this situation. All he can do right now are showing his deepest apologies and hope that Kyuhyun could forget his terrible mistake because frankly he misses Kyuhyun so bad.
That’s why, if the God willing to help him to make Kyuhyun open his heart to Siwon once again, he promise he would never makes Kyuhyun cries if he could prevent it, he would makes Kyuhyun feel like the most happiest man in the world for having him as a lover, and he would love Kyuhyun unconditionally, because when Kyuhyun isn’t beside him, all Siwon could feel is emptiness. He needs him. He loves him. He would be imperfect without Kyuhyun and to be perfect like people always said he is, although he really doesn’t care about that anymore, he needs Kyuhyun to complete him.
After all, the name of their fan club is Wonkyu is Real didn’t it?! And Siwon is going to make that happen. Just wait and see.